Tips for improving the winter olympics

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Tips for improving the winter olympics

Postby Wendelin of Trier » Wed Feb 21, 2018 9:30 pm

I'm very much enjoying the coverage of the winter olympics, but can't help thinking that small adjustments to certain disciplines would make the whole thing more entertaining.

For example, how about if the thrower in curling HAS to have a pint in their other hand whilst sliding along getting ready to release the stone?
And the people with the brushes have to have fags on the go as they vigorously sweep the ice. It would certainly add an air of jovial informality to proceedings.

And how about the 'frisson' that would be encountered in the skeleton by competitors having to hold a dachshund in place, sat on top of their heads for the entire course. That would sort the men from the boys. (Dachshund to wear googles and helmet for health & safety).

I know those two belters are enough, but, incredibly, I have third idea - A small microphone could be fitted to figure skaters trousers and points awarded for farts produced at key moments in the performance. Points could be awarded for simple rhythmic farts that follow the music and bonus points could be awarded for spectacular, multiple-blast farts released while perhaps performing a triple salchow.

Anybody have any other ideas?
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Re: Tips for improving the winter olympics

Postby Rake » Thu Feb 22, 2018 4:28 pm

Wendelin of Trier wrote:I'm very much enjoying the coverage of the winter olympics, but can't help thinking that small adjustments to certain disciplines would make the whole thing more entertaining.

For example, how about if the thrower in curling HAS to have a pint in their other hand whilst sliding along getting ready to release the stone?
And the people with the brushes have to have fags on the go as they vigorously sweep the ice. It would certainly add an air of jovial informality to proceedings.

And how about the 'frisson' that would be encountered in the skeleton by competitors having to hold a dachshund in place, sat on top of their heads for the entire course. That would sort the men from the boys. (Dachshund to wear googles and helmet for health & safety).

I know those two belters are enough, but, incredibly, I have third idea - A small microphone could be fitted to figure skaters trousers and points awarded for farts produced at key moments in the performance. Points could be awarded for simple rhythmic farts that follow the music and bonus points could be awarded for spectacular, multiple-blast farts released while perhaps performing a triple salchow.

Anybody have any other ideas?


I particularly like the curling ideas and think that (casual racism alert) as most of our Team GB curlers are from North of the Border, we should be naturals and therefore win gold every time. I think the flaw in the figure skating idea is it would be open to cheaters from (casual racism alert) those 'cheating' countries who would place iPods or something in their skimpies pre-loaded with farty sounds that they could trigger the playing of either remotely from cheating country base camp or by twitching their toned inner thighs at the right moment (which would have the added bonux of making it look they are farting too).

I think I'd like to see all the snow boarders and that other nutty ski thing that all the 'cool dudes' do be drug-tested when they get to the bottom by having random members of the crowd selected to cut bits off their greasy hair and smoke it. Anyone who didn't get the said crowd member ordering an extra large pizza with extra pineapple and jalapenos within the following half hour would be disqualified for being a square.
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Re: Tips for improving the winter olympics

Postby Wendelin of Trier » Thu Feb 22, 2018 4:40 pm

Rake wrote:I think I'd like to see all the snow boarders and that other nutty ski thing that all the 'cool dudes' do be drug-tested when they get to the bottom by having random members of the crowd selected to cut bits off their greasy hair and smoke it.


Eminently sensible suggestion.
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Re: Tips for improving the winter olympics

Postby Rake » Thu Feb 22, 2018 4:42 pm

Wendelin of Trier wrote:
Rake wrote:I think I'd like to see all the snow boarders and that other nutty ski thing that all the 'cool dudes' do be drug-tested when they get to the bottom by having random members of the crowd selected to cut bits off their greasy hair and smoke it.


Eminently sensible suggestion.


Thank you, I thought so.

Good to hear from you by the way.
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Re: Tips for improving the winter olympics

Postby Wendelin of Trier » Thu Feb 22, 2018 4:46 pm

Rake wrote:
Wendelin of Trier wrote:
Rake wrote:I think I'd like to see all the snow boarders and that other nutty ski thing that all the 'cool dudes' do be drug-tested when they get to the bottom by having random members of the crowd selected to cut bits off their greasy hair and smoke it.


Eminently sensible suggestion.


Thank you, I thought so.

Good to hear from you by the way.


Ithanyo, good to hear from you too.
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Re: Tips for improving the winter olympics

Postby mick wright » Thu Feb 22, 2018 6:45 pm

I think the figure skating could be improved if the Olympians had to simultaneously distribute refreshments to the spectators.

I don't think it would too much of a stretch to carry around a tea-tray as part of their routine. They could throw the thing into the air while they do all the poncing about toe-looping, double axel-ing and triple lutz-ing and then catch it after they've done.

It would surely add to the excitement if spectators were offered a nice cup of tea in, don't forget, a pretty cold venue.
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Re: Tips for improving the winter olympics

Postby Wendelin of Trier » Thu Feb 22, 2018 9:17 pm

mick wright wrote:I think the figure skating could be improved if the Olympians had to simultaneously distribute refreshments to the spectators.

I don't think it would too much of a stretch to carry around a tea-tray as part of their routine. They could throw the thing into the air while they do all the poncing about toe-looping, double axel-ing and triple lutz-ing and then catch it after they've done.

It would surely add to the excitement if spectators were offered a nice cup of tea in, don't forget, a pretty cold venue.


Superb. I have emailed Seb Coe with this suggestion (and cc'd Torvill and Dean but NOT Robin Cousins).
I see no reason for anybody involved in figure skating to object to this fantastic idea, it is the kind of thing that will bring the punters in in droves.

When the skaters do that bit where they get down quite low and spin round and round incredibly quickly, they could distribute those individual UHT milk cartons around the arena. The visual effect of what would essentially be a milk dispensing catherine wheel would be absolutely stunning.
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Re: Tips for improving the winter olympics

Postby mick wright » Thu Feb 22, 2018 9:51 pm

simultaneously being visually stunning while the centripetal forces involved would satisfy the needs of both full fat and semi-skimmed users.
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Re: Tips for improving the winter olympics

Postby Wendelin of Trier » Fri Feb 23, 2018 12:25 am

Double axel with cravendale
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Re: Tips for improving the winter olympics

Postby TheAlex » Fri Feb 23, 2018 1:17 am

I don't like smoking but would make an exception for the curling, and actively encourage it for any ice-based shenanigans at my local ice-rink despite the no smoking signs.

I love the figure-skating idea. I'm not a big tea drinker, but I'd fly to PyeongChang (I had to Google that to save typing something close to Pyongyang) tomorrow for that. In fact, I'm booking my flights for Beijing 2022 now - it's such a great idea they're bound to adopt it.

I think the ice hockey is far too fast-paced. I'd like to see a ripe mango used instead of a puck, and morning star (pictured below middle) instead of a stick. The mango would be caressed around with the morning stars - any broken mango skin results in a penalty to the opposing team. Broken human shin-skin on the other hand is encouraged.

Boeheim_Morgenstern_01.jpg
Boeheim_Morgenstern_01.jpg (26.01 KiB) Viewed 4744 times

(picture from Wikipedia)

I like watching ski jumping, but it'd be far better if the participants had 6ft unicorn horns on their helmets. Surviving mangos from the ice hockey would be suspended from helicopters and medals would be decided on number of mangos impaled rather than distance jumped.
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Re: Tips for improving the winter olympics

Postby mick wright » Fri Feb 23, 2018 6:44 am

Wendelin of Trier wrote:
Superb. I have emailed Seb Coe with this suggestion (and cc'd Torvill and Dean but NOT Robin Cousins).


You're spot on regarding Robin Cousins. I bumped into him literally at the Milton Keynes Snowdome once after I failed to negotiate a mogul, you know, that one that comes at you 'out of the blue' down the left hand side by the kiddies bit.

Anyway, after we picked ourselves up, I offered him a cup of tea in yet another quite cold venue. I asked him how he liked it and was shocked to hear him splutter 'Standard NATO'. Now you and I wouldn't bat an eyelid at this and we'd need no further probing but he's the sort of bloke that would insist on the introduction of such jargon into our new initiative and would quite frankly spoil it.

Imagine the level of uncertainty it would bring to the judging, particularly in artistic interpretation and would put those poor Olympic Athletes from Russia at a distinct disadvantage. No, we're quite happy with 'blanc avex les sucre, deux", thank you very plait.

He's well left out of this one.

He's the type of bloke that, on Celebrity Only Connect, would throw a hissy if he was denied the choice of the Twisted Flax question. Well I say 'Twisted Flax my Arse, Robin Cousins
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Re: Tips for improving the winter olympics

Postby Wendelin of Trier » Fri Feb 23, 2018 12:54 pm

I like the unicorn horn/mango ski jump idea, but who would 'drive' the helicopter?
How about Gary Numan? He has a pilots licence.

When somebody successfully impales a mango Gary could lean out of the helicopter with his trademark 80s sneer and shout "Look at that Man-go!" (Or "Wo-man-go!") (Or "person of non-specific gender-go!" but that spoils the play on words a bit).

mick wright wrote:He's the type of bloke that, on Celebrity Only Connect, would throw a hissy if he was denied the choice of the Twisted Flax question. Well I say 'Twisted Flax my Arse, Robin Cousins


You're absolutely spot on. Whats wrong with eye of horus, Cousins? Or the wavey water one? Or the lovely caterpillar?
Whenever I watch Only Connect I spend 3% of the time attempting to work out the answers to the devilishly difficult questions, and the other 97% of the time thinking of burying my head in between two massive knockers.

Same as when I used to watch 15 to 1 with William G Stewart.

I was watching the Olympics again last night and it struck me that the half-pipe skiing thing would be made far more entertaining if anthony worrall thompson was stood at the bottom of the pipe throwing pricey soft cheese at competitors as they do their tricks.
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Re: Tips for improving the winter olympics

Postby Rake » Fri Feb 23, 2018 2:26 pm

Wendelin of Trier wrote:
and the other 97% of the time thinking of burying my head in between two massive knockers.



Make that 100% of the time for me, but that shouldn't really surprise anyone round here.

This thread has reminded me of why this forum was once the most entertaining, hilario, educational and downright befuddling place on the interweb to hang out. Ah, those were the days.

I've got one for the 2-man bobsleigh. To add even more danger to what is already a very risky sport, both riders would have their lycra suits greased-up with seal cub blubber and have to hang on with dear life to avoid slippery chipping on each other and flying out the sleigh at 100kmph when they hit the nasty bend bits. In a nod to Rollerball there would also be massive spikes sited at various points adjacent to the run, but at other points there would be soft play areas containing gorgeous ladyboys and unemployed former F1 Grid Girls high on GHB.
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Re: Tips for improving the winter olympics

Postby Wendelin of Trier » Fri Feb 23, 2018 2:48 pm

Rake wrote:former F1 Grid Girls high on GHB.


I read that as 'former Girl Guides high on UHT'.

Which should have been the title of British Sea Powers third album.

Cover art - John Humphrys sat outside the Tiger Inn at East Dean studying a map and not realising he's got it upside down.
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Re: Tips for improving the winter olympics

Postby Rake » Fri Feb 23, 2018 3:07 pm

Wendelin of Trier wrote:
Rake wrote:former F1 Grid Girls high on GHB.


I read that as 'former Girl Guides high on UHT'.

Which should have been the title of British Sea Powers third album.

Cover art - John Humphrys sat outside the Tiger Inn at East Dean studying a map and not realising he's got it upside down.


Girl Guides high on UHT works for me too, nice synergy. I think you're onto something with the rest too, what a missed opportunity!
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